Someone I knew all my life passed away.

On my birthday.


I now can (somewhat) understand how Pearlene feels.
I used to put myself in her shoes and pity her. But now, I don't know how long it'll take me to get over it if I were her.
Her own dad passed away on her birthday.


May 1st.
We gathered at the hospice as it was thought that she wouldn't make it.
We reached about 11 in the morning and relatives and friends kept trickling in, even after we left.
Makes me wonder how many people will care to say goodbye when it's my turn.

Death is so depressing.

I couldn't really handle it.
Such a painful sight.
I fought back the tears but they still flowed. And flowed.
She no longer looks like what I remember.
Just thinking of it now makes me tear.

I look at my parents and I can't imagine them gone.
Now every time I say something sarcastic/cynical to Dad, I get reminded of that.


May 2nd.
We got news that she passed on in the morning.
My family went to her wake, but not me.
Hans and I had plans for dinner and Dad said I should just go tomorrow.
It's my birthday afterall. And now also her death anniversary.


May 3rd.
Went to her wake.
I can't believe she's gone. For good.
She looks prettier in the coffin than at the hospice.
I was mourning quietly.
I look around and don't see people other than her immediate family as sad as I was.
I felt out of place crying.
Not that I was that close to her.
Just can't believe she's gone.


May 4th.
Her funeral and cremation.
Saw her again in the coffin.
I wish I knew her better than I did.
I wanted more memories to keep.
Cremation part was over before I knew it. Super fast.
"That's it?"
I cried on the way there and on the way back.


I'm such an emotional loser.


I haven't been to many wakes or funerals.
The few I've been to were either when I was too young to remember/feel anything, or it's of people I don't know.

This made me realize how weak I am. I really cry too much.

I get so upset when Hans and I quarrel (much lesser btw but you know how I always lose). Most of the time, I end up feeling so down I imagine myself dying suddenly and how Hans will regret quarreling with me. I want him to regret. I want him to suffer. Muahahaha.
But seriously, that's what I think of.
Much lesser btw! And I assure you I am pretty sure I will never commit suicide. Haha.
I don't want that anymore. I hope I don't think that way anymore.
Off-topic. BAH!

I thought of the time I cried hysterically when my dad forgot to close the hamster cage door and my little boyboy disappeared. And of the time I couldn't stop crying when I went to say hello to another hamster and it was dead, cold and had turned hard.
I don't know how I'll ever recover if my parents...

:(

It's a wake up call for me.
I need to be stronger!

-does some karate kick thing and trips-
Lol.


Love you guys!